I have been absolutely loathing writing this post.
The imposter syndrome is in full swing. Because after dressage, I went into the showjumping ring feeling okay and left feeling like a proper fuck-up.
I did not deserve a clear round. I rode backwards, panicked, with shit distances and rode worse than a monkey strapped to the saddle.
The course wasn’t particularly tough, either. Plenty of people had nice rounds. But Jack went in, spooked hard at fence 1, where I got in his face, and it all unraveled from there.
Fence 2 and 3 were so/so, a basic 3 stride line up the diagonal. 4 to 5 was another diagonal line, and while 4 rode perfect, I have no effing idea what happened at 5. Watching the video (which I’m not sharing- sorry, I do have a little pride) it looks like a total miscommunication on my part. We stuffed a third stride in the 2 stride combo- MY HORSE THE GIANT PUT IN AN EXTRA STRIDE. Because again, idiot pilot aboard, riding backwards at your service.
I got my shit back together for fence 7, only to royally miss at fence 8 and 9. And then leave the arena with my head held in shame.
And I wasn’t the only one embarrassed. My trainer met me at the gate and we discussed battle plans for fixing the wreck that was my jumping. And then told me what I needed to do to fix myself enough to go XC. Which I did.
More on that later.