I have been absolutely loathing writing this post.
The imposter syndrome is in full swing. Because after dressage, I went into the showjumping ring feeling okay and left feeling like a proper fuck-up.
I did not deserve a clear round. I rode backwards, panicked, with shit distances and rode worse than a monkey strapped to the saddle.
The course wasn’t particularly tough, either. Plenty of people had nice rounds. But Jack went in, spooked hard at fence 1, where I got in his face, and it all unraveled from there.
Fence 2 and 3 were so/so, a basic 3 stride line up the diagonal. 4 to 5 was another diagonal line, and while 4 rode perfect, I have no effing idea what happened at 5. Watching the video (which I’m not sharing- sorry, I do have a little pride) it looks like a total miscommunication on my part. We stuffed a third stride in the 2 stride combo- MY HORSE THE GIANT PUT IN AN EXTRA STRIDE. Because again, idiot pilot aboard, riding backwards at your service.
I got my shit back together for fence 7, only to royally miss at fence 8 and 9. And then leave the arena with my head held in shame.
And I wasn’t the only one embarrassed. My trainer met me at the gate and we discussed battle plans for fixing the wreck that was my jumping. And then told me what I needed to do to fix myself enough to go XC. Which I did.
More on that later.
Red on the Right 
ugh i have times i leave my brain at the gate before crossing the start line so I get it. Sorry!
Omg! We’ve all been there though. I have a video of one of my show jumping rounds… you can literally hear people LAUGHING AT ME in the background. You’ll get em next time!
Ugh, we have ALL been there (as Emily said). It sucks and it’s a terrible feeling leaving the ring knowing you fucked it all up. BUT it sounds like your trainer has a plan and you’re a hard worker — I know you’ll get it fixed quick ❤ Hang in there!!